Baseball.

I'd like to watch more baseball on TV, but that would mean buying cable, and that would mean throwing out what little of a "career" I have with the writing in favor of fine programs like "Hitler: Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel" on the History Channel (or as Bryan Delano calls it: the Hitler Channel), "Behind the Music: Bananarama," and "Shootin' Stuff" on OLN.

Besides that, I don't belong to a fantasy baseball team. I think it's because of the word "fantasy," which makes me think of Ween, D&D, and, well, titties. The word makes me laugh in the same way the word "midget" makes me laugh, and it's not because what the words mean per se, but just how they sound and the context in which they are used.

There's no time for that in this short life, or so I like to think, but it's great when the Cubs and Cardinals are on WGN and it's almost like how it used to be when you were a kid and baseball was on TV all the time. Now, the networks would rather show golf, NASCAR, and the WNBA. Thanks, Mister Man. Thanks for nothing. Asshats.

I originally wanted to write about what a bummer it is that Pujols is on the DL for 15 days, but that's pretty ipso facto res ipsa loquitor for anybody left outside of St. Louis who still gives two shits about baseball. Pujols hitting 80 homeruns would be a wonderful antidote to anything Barry Bonds achieves this year, but being out for that long reduces those chances. Shit.

No, instead, I'm going to tell you what I would do if I was the Commissioner of Baseball. I would take the job. I need the money. Teaching still doesn't pay very well, in case you were wondering, and current financial trends in drumming and writing remain the same--zip. There are murmurs that Condy Rice wants to be Commissioner. If that happens, I will never attend another baseball game for the same reasons I will never watch the NFL should Jeb Bush be made commissioner of that league. (Didn't these assholes learn their lesson from putting in Rush Limbaugh on ESPN???)

But if I am offered, I will take the position, and I will implement some ideas. Here they are:

--Bud Light will only get to have one 30 second commercial during a televised baseball game. Bud Light has the worst commercials ever made. They make me want to join a 1995-era Victory Records hardcore band, the ones that made it quite clear that they hated milk and other forms of oppression. Yes, they are that bad. No, it's not that they're bad--it's that they're stupid. Okay, we get it, we know your product and we will drink it and drink it and drink it because that's what baseball and America is all about. Shut up, already.

--The national anthem will be changed to "Frownland" by Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band. This will be the only display of jingoism during a 9 inning game. We don't need to hear "God Bless America" during the 7th Inning. Instead, we should be hearing anything from the Devil Dog's first album, a masterpiece of summertime good times.

--The New York Yankees shouldn't have a payroll larger than the GNP of most 3rd World countries. I'm sorry, but I just think that's wrong. I know, I know, but that's the magic of the marketplace, but I don't care. The New York Yankees will be moved to a city that needs a baseball team. Someplace like Montreal. Let them have the Yankees. New York already has the Mets, and everybody in that city should just learn to love one team.

--The Cubs will be encouraged to Forfeit. Not just a game, or the season, but their whole unjustifiable existence. The Tribune will never be allowed to own any more baseball teams. Wrigley Field will be demolished except for the facade, and behind it will be a mall full of shops. The Wrigley Field Mall. Everybody likes malls, especially on the North Side. This will also reduce the # of drunk 24-45 year olds from Big Ten Schools behaving like drunk 18-23 year olds in Big Ten Schools terrorizing the local populace.

--Sportscasters will be barred from discussing where they went to dinner the night before. While it's great that the guys telling us about the game had a delicious steak at Mike Shannon's in St. Louis last night, it's really not all that interesting. If you run out of things to talk about, as inevitably happens when you're doing the play-by-play for teams like the Cubs, Royals, etc., just stop talking. Go take a walk or hit the can until something worth yapping about happens. Silence isn't so bad. Really.

That's all I have for now. 9 innings and 3 outs and all the other rules are perfectly fine with me. Oh wait! Here's one:

--Get rid of that stupid All Star Game rule about the winner determining home field advantage for the Series. Just let the All Star Game be what it is--no big deal. It's just fun for its own sake. Let it remain that way. (And no, I won't change my mind if the National League wins and the Cardinals get home field advantage because of it.)

Now that's it.